Due to inspiration from the united unionization and union-ness of the union workers of America, I have determined that Future Voices of America, and indeed all other blogs, should be unionized!
That’s right! We bloggers work tirelessly for minutes at a time attempting to bring you the best in opinion, often for no payment at all! I bring to my colleagues the brilliant idea that we change this today!
I hereby state my belief that we, as bloggers, should receive a modest salary of $100,000 a year, and just the tiniest benefits package of approximately $50,000. This will of course be paid by you, the taxpayer, to the tune of 74.2% a year. Remember, as a blogger and citizen journalist, I am one the most valuable resources America has, therefore cannot get enough help from the public sector. Anyone who says otherwise is just a downright greedy, repulsive person, who probably has a poster of the Koch brothers on their wall somewhere.
This also means we bloggers should be protected in our employment. I’m talking tenure people! I mean, is this not America? Do I not have the right to a job? I reserve the right to freedom from work as well! In fact, if I even do blog, I shouldn’t be required to provide facts that back up my opinions! I could totally Rachel Maddow this, and report bogus news as real news!
“Nancy Pelosi has gone insane due to the loss of her Speaker title, and has started throwing gavels at children like the Hammer Bros. from the Mario video games.”
That’s not even true, but it doesn’t matter! You’d have to go through miles of red tape to fire me now. I am talking mounds of paperwork, committee hearings, more paperwork, board reviews, and then more paperwork if you want to take away my job. Firing me will require so much money and time you may just not want to bother all together. The convenience!
“Barack Obama eats hamburgers in front of Ethiopian kids, and then rides into the sunset on a fat cow carrying sacks of grain.”
Man, this new freedom is great!
Also, due to the amount of hard work and dedication to our jobs, I think it is only fair that we retire around the age of 50. Tell ya what, you, the taxpayer can pay my entire premium, and I’ll just cover any growth in that premium in the future. All in all, it should only confiscate about 12.1% a year from your salaries. Don’t be a greedy private sector employee now!
Oh! I also think we should reserve the right to throw your taxpayer money into political candidates to ensure our awesome lifestyle-I MEAN…uh…our humble existence remains afloat. I mean, who cares if we donate millions of dollars at candidates to support our cause. That money doesn’t belong to you anymore, and besides, we need a big shot at the top looking out for us bloggers.
Now we’re going to need you to ignore the fact that our payments and salaries are completely unfair and unsustainable. If you don’t and you try to change it, we’ll gather every blogger, George Soros funded activist, dirty politician, and main stream news network to come crashing down on you, and it will be a hard, drawn out, ultimately hopeless fight. I’m serious! We will drop our keyboards, get doctor’s notes to excuse us from our ‘work,’ and march on down to the capitol of whatever state we’re in, and picket like our engorged paychecks have no tomorrow!
Oh and whatever you do, don’t go here.